Posts filed under 'Kate's Blog'
So as of tomorrow, I’ve been home from Utah for a week. I thought all was well, but for some reason, as sit here late at night, it just hit me…my sister is moving to Missouri tomorrow. Granted, she’s been in Utah for eight years now. Not too far; within a days car ride, two hours by plane, but Missouri, not that close. Annie and I have been used to living far apart, but I just realized how FAR she’s actually going to be. I had a hard time helping her to pack up her house last week. I blamed my lack of help on various reasons, the one being “I’m supposed to be on vacation” was the most used, but the real reason I tried to get out of helping wasn’t because I didn’t want to, but more the fact that it made it all the more real that she was actually leaving! I know she’s making the right move, living out her dream of owning lots of land (5 acres to be exact) and a big house, but for my own selfish reasons, I DON’T WANT HER TO GO! She was so excited last week, and she kept telling me that she couldn’t wait to leave, but inside, I just wanted to cry. I can’t imagine making my next vacation destination Helena, MO, but I guess now I have a reason to visit the midwest, the heartland….the great state of Misery (oops, I mean MISSOURI!) As she drives her truck and horse trailer (jammed packed with horses, a donkey, two lambs, two sheep, and one cat named Robbie), I hope she’ll know how much I’m thinking about her every mile of the way. Every mile farther away. I love you Annie Ree….Happy trails to you (and your brood). I hope you love your new home…and don’t worry, I will come to visit you, no matter how far you might be.
February 17th, 2007
Here you have it, the “End of ze world“. I have to go, I’m “Le Tired”……..
February 17th, 2007
Let me first start by saying that I can’t seem to keep up with my own life. This past year has gone from confusing, to non-eventful, to surprising, joyous, overwhelming, and down right unbelievable in a matter of months, or rather, weeks. I don’t know if I’m coming or going, alive or dead, happy, or sad. I guess I can correct that, because I’ve been overwhelmed with such an array of emotions this year, I can’t help but know I’m definitely alive.
As most of you know, we went from being told I can’t have kids, to getting pregnant, to thinking my life was finally going in the direction I wanted. A direction I was ready to head into. I had a wonderful husband, both of us had good jobs, a nice house, a wonderful family, and a baby on the way. But, in the blink of an eye, or rather, a routine ultrasound, it all came crashing down on us, in a picture we couldn’t even make out.
On December 27, 2006, we went in for an ultrasound, hoping to find out the sex of the baby, but instead, we found out our baby didn’t have a heartbeat. I was 5 days shy of being in my fifth month of pregnancy, and as most of you know, a pregnancy I wasn’t even aware of until I was a bit over three months into. We were told our baby had died.
I just kept screaming “No, no, no” over and over again, hoping to God they were wrong, wondering why we had been told 5 minutes earlier by another technician that the baby was sucking his thumb, and now he wasn’t even alive. I couldn’t even comprehend “I’m sorry, your baby has no heartbeat”. How do you comprehend a statement such as that? Josh just stood there with a blank stare on his face that I will never in my life forget. My next thought was, “How did this happen? What did I do wrong? Why wasn’t I sick? Why didn’t I know? How am I supposed to tell everyone?”
I never in a million years thought that my baby would die in utero. I was so amazed and excited when I found out I was pregnant. Now, my baby was gone. In a matter of minutes, I was being told my baby was gone. I never imagined I would become so attached to something (or someone) so quickly. Now, I had to say goodbye to someone I had never even met, someone I never got to even say hello to, someone who was on my mind every second of the day. Every morning that I woke up, I thought of him, every time I ate, I thought of him, every night I went to bed, I thought of him. Am I sleeping the right way, am I eating the right things, am I doing something that is going to hurt him? All of that, and now he’s gone. For weeks I felt that baby move inside of me, and at Christmas I had noticed I didn’t feel him much, and now, I will never feel him again.
I was admitted into Long Beach Memorial Hospital on December 27 at 10p.m., and after 13 hours of induced labor, I gave birth to our son on Thursday, December 28 at 2:17p.m. As far as we were (and still are) concerned, he was perfect; two arms, two legs, 10 fingers and 10 toes. A little nose, a little mouth, and two little eyes. He was 8 inches long and weighed 3.8 oz. Small, but a perfect little gift nonetheless. Josh and I got to say hello and goodbye to our baby. He was given the utmost respect and was dressed, and wrapped in a beautiful crocheted blanket. Although we didn’t hold him, we touched him, and we looked at him, and we told him how much he was loved and how much he will always be loved. Most importantly, I quietly thanked him for coming into my life. The hospital and staff were very respectful of our situation, and I will never forget my nurses, Beth and Jamie, ever, as long as I live. Their compassion and love was wonderful and I can’t thank them enough for taking care of me and my baby. He was blessed by the hospital priest, and we have his footprints, and handprints for our keepsake box here at home.
Our family was with us around the clock, and all in all, it was a very peaceful and humbling labor and birthing process. We are content with the fact that he wasn’t meant to live life here on earth, but he was our baby, and now, he’s my little angel that will watch over us forever.
It’s amazing how your faith in God comes to play when you have a tragic experience such as this; and I have learned throughout this experience to trust Him and allow Him to take control of things that I can’t. We don’t know why our baby died, and we may never know, as we’ve been told that although we allowed an amniocentisis and as well as an autopsy, there is a chance the doctors may not find a cause of death. We’re okay with that. We’re okay with the fact that God decided to take our baby. I believe in my heart that God made a what could have been a difficult decision easy for us, by deciding to take our baby now.
I went 3 months not knowing I was pregnant, being very sick over the summer and having many tests done and I was on several types of medication. While that may or may not have had a effect, I’m still not sure, but I’ve learned that I cannot and will not blame myself for the death of my baby.
Throughout this whole tragedy, we do see a light at the end of the tunnel. We realize that we CAN get pregnant, and we WILL get pregnant again. This baby was a blessing that we were able to enjoy for the few short months that he was with us. I learned to love my body, and love the things that were happening to it. I can’t wait to experience the joy of pregnancy again. I have no doubt in my mind that Josh and I will have a baby, and we can’t wait to try again.
I’ve decided to keep up the ultrasound pictures and the previous blogs in memory of our baby. We’re not going to forget the joy that he brought to our lives, and I don’t feel it’d be appropriate to pull down all of the things I’ve shared with my family and friends. My pregnancy was real, my baby was alive, and I want to remember the awesome impact this little one had on my life.
I would like to thank everyone that has been there for Josh and I throughout this whole experience. We thank you for your cards, your flowers, your kind words and gestures. We never realized how many wonderful people we had in our lives and are overwhelmed with the outpouring of love we’ve received from everyone. We thank you for being there, and for listening, and for allowing us to cry and express our pain. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for being there for us.
We look forward to the new year, we look forward to a new beginning, and hope you all have a wonderful new year as well.
If anything, I’ve learned one thing, and a quote that I found today sums up my whole experience:
“The distance between joy and sorrow, is a heartbeat.” - Unknown
January 4th, 2007
Okay, so I’m new to all of this pregnancy jargon, and from what I’ve been told, and what I’ve read in the books, it’s virtually impossible to feel the baby moving around at this point…or so I thought.
I woke up today feeling okay, as I’ve pretty much passed the morning sickness point, and am now in my second trimester. As I sat at work, concentrating on the glorious world of insurance, I felt what seemed to be a “fluttering” in my belly. Baby, or gas, I said to myself. Well, I must say, after months of having stomach problems prior to finding out I was pregnant, I have gone from not being able to hold anything in, to not being able to move anything out. I am constantly bloated, full of gas, and I feel like I’m going to explode, and it continues to stay that way. I have to admit, today was one of the most uncomfortable days I’ve had thus far. I thought on several occasions it was just the chili I ate at Vanessa and Tim’s the night before! My belly was feeling all sorts of strange things! I thought maybe the baby wasn’t cool with chili, but who in their right mind could possibly have a problem with Vanessa’s chili?!?! It’s FABULOUS! But, I seriously think I finally felt the fluttering of the little one inside. I think my organs are packing up and moving to different locations, I noticed I’m gaining another chin, and I’m experiencing the return of “cankles” due to water retention. All of the things I was able to get rid of by losing 77 lbs on Weight Watchers! I was in a depressed state most of the day, thinking that I’ve lost the battle of the bulge until this baby is out! I cried on my way to work this morning, yelled at Josh several times for no reason yesterday, but came home to wanting him to hug and hold me all evening. I’m trying not to use the “It’s because I’m pregnant” excuse, but seriously, it’s because I’m pregnant. If I hadn’t been told I was pregnant two weeks ago, I don’t know what I would be thinking at this point. I would have thought I’m turning into a monster.
Josh is liking the change though, as my boobs are each roughly the size of watermelons. I’m going to have to call Pamela Anderson soon for some advise on what to do with these suckers if they don’t stop growing. The knockers were fine before, now they’re getting to be a bit unbearable!
But, I have learned something quite valuable today….elastic is my friend 
November 21st, 2006
Since this webpage/blog is dedicated to the different journeys I continue to take in my life, this is now the official “KittyKate’s Pregnancy Blog”. I’m hoping to share this with our little one someday…
Josh and I went in for an “official” ultrasound on November 16, and were just amazed to find a baby kicking around in my uterus. As soon as I saw “her” (yes, we’re all hoping it’s a girl), I could do nothing but squeeze Josh’s hand until he lost circulation and cry my eyes out. I just can’t believe I’m going to have a baby. After all I’ve been through with my weight, and my health, this was just the absolute best answer to all of the previous problems I’ve been having. I should have known I was pregnant, as I’ve had all the “classic” symptoms of pregnancy, but when you’ve been told you can’t conceive, and you’ve had no tell tale signs to even think you are pregnant (i.e. missing your period…I haven’t had one in 8 months!), it’s not exactly a dead ringer. But, I’ve taken 2 pregnancy tests just to reassure myself that this is happening, and it’s not just a dream
As of right now, I’m estimated (I say “estimated” because they are still collaborating on an exact due date) to be 14 weeks pregnant, and due May 21, 2007. That date is cool for us, because it’s my dad’s birthday, and grandpa would be proud.
Here is a current picture of Baby Legbandt as of 11/16/06:
If you can’t get enough, check out this one
November 21st, 2006
It’s obviously been awhile since writing my last blog, and boy has the world just gone upside down in a matter of months! As you can see from the last blog entitled “Sick…”, I’ve been having some health problems, and discovered I have PCOS and Endometriois; both of which are pretty much considered road blocks on the road to getting pregnant. I thought I was a gonner as far as bringing a child into this crazy world, but really, not so much….read on to hear the strange story:
In August, after much testing, I was referred to Dr. E. Taymour, a gynecologist and fertility specialist here in Long Beach. After a through examination and ultrasound, he confirmed I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, and Endometriosis, both which are major reproductive problems occurring in the ovaries and uterus. I’ve been without a period for God knows how long, and he suggested I be placed on Metformin, or Glucophage, to help shrink the cysts in my ovaries. He said this would probably help with the cyst situation, and scheduled me to come back in November to see how things were progressing….
Speed ahead to November 10, 2006 (come on, you’re using your “warpvision”, right?)
I brought my mom to the appointment with me to show her I wasn’t crazy when Dr. Taymour said I couldn’t have kids. Not now, and definitely not naturally at this point. After much waiting in the waiting room, we entered the room, I undressed from the waist down, which led me to believe I was in for another ultrasound. While in the waiting room, I made a list of the “complaints” I was having that I wanted to discuss with the doctor. Among them were 1. Boobs that hurt so bad I was willing to cut them off soon; 2. Still no period; 3. Extreme fatigue (especially during the middle of the day); 4. Bloating (everyone wants to know why they are bloated, right?!) Dr. Taymour entered the room, asked me how I was feeling and if I was consistent with the meds, and proceeded to tell me that my hormones were in hyper mode, and that the next step was to drug induce menopause and a period for 6 months to get my estrogen production to calm down for awhile. The doctor literally said he wanted to “put me on ice” for a few months to see if he could get my body to chill out. After asking if there were going to be any adverse affects from doing this, and coming to the conclusion that this was the most realistic thing to do at this point, we decided it would be a good idea. Then, the doctor said “Well, let me just do a quick ultrasound to see if the Metformin has helped shrink the cysts.” That was the end of the problems, and the beginning of something entirely different!
Unfortunately, internal ultrasounds are the way to go when it comes to getting a clear look at the ovaries. I’ve been used to sharing my va-jay-jay with doctors over the last few months, so this was no big deal. I was still wiping away the tears from the preceding conversation when the doctor quietly said, “I have some news…you’re pregnant.” I wasn’t even looking at the screen when he said it. My first reaction was to yell “SHUT UP!” at the doctor….my mother almost smacked me. I then continued with “That’s not my picture…that’s a picture that was left up on the screen before we came in!” The doctor assured me he had reset the machine, and the transponder (he is, after all, a medical professional, as I am just an idiot…) and the baby he was looking at belonged to me. He quickly spit out a copy of the picture, told me to forget everything we had just discussed about the “drug induced menopause” and told me that I’d better get ready, because I was already 12 weeks and 3 days along (that’s 3 months and 3 days for you men). The first thing I wanted to know was if I screwed the baby up with the meds, the anxiety medication I’ve been on for years, the smoking, ya know, all the things that AREN’T good for babies?!?!?! He assured me that the baby looked good, and that if I was to miscarry, I would have done so already. He said my rate of miscarriage was less than 1% at this point, and it was okay to tell everyone. So, tell everyone, we did! And by “we”, I mean me and my mom, who has a HUGE mouth for such a small woman!
So, to reiterate my life…Katie sounds like a HUGE liar, just like always. Three months ago Josh and I were telling people we couldn’t get pregnant, and now, I am. But, it’s like the doctor said, “You weren’t exactly lying…you were telling people you couldn’t get pregnant, because technically, you already were, and you can’t get pregnant if you already are!”
I like his theory. I’ll go with it. Oh, and here’s the first picture of Baby Legbandt…
November 20th, 2006
Phew…finally! I am all DONE! I took my Certified Loan Signing Agent class today and I passed the (fairly difficult) exam! I am now a member of the Association of Professional Notaries and Certified Signing Agents and National Notary Association. I have completed all of the steps for starting my notary business, and all I have to do is wait for my bond, go to the County Clerk’s office, perform my oath, and whalah! I can notarize away! Any of you mortgage peeps out there, please keep me in mind, as I am now a starving notary after the hundreds of dollars I just forked out to start all of this! You wouldn’t believe the amount of stuff required to start your business! It’s definitely not just a matter of a stupid stamp and a signature.
Anyhoo, I am done, I am tired of studying, and I am just plain exhausted. Of course, it’s back to work at Allstate tomorrow. I seem to have forgotten I have a regular full time job! I have 100 signing companies to start advertising my services to beginning next week, so please pray my fingers don’t fall off!
June 11th, 2006
This picture was taken with my best friend Carolyn on August 16, 2002, on my wedding day. My actual weight is completely unknown. Scroll down to see my progress…
This picture was taken September 16, 2004 at my sister’s wedding. I weighed approximately 285 lbs. Keep scrolling down to see what I look like a little over a year later….
November 9th, 2005
Yes! I finally did it! I am down over 70 lbs! I am currently 215 lbs! I have been on Weight Watchers since 5/3/2005
November 9th, 2005
Well, it wasn’t as good as I had hoped, but I did lose 0.4 lbs this week for a grand total of 67 lbs lost! I am going to Utah on Saturday, and am already trying to fight the cravings of all the yummy food to eat up there! I am planning on working my butt off on the farm so that I can splurge. I’ll have pictures up when I get home!
October 12th, 2005
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