Kitty Kates’ Blog

My life is in overdrive, and I can’t keep up…

January 4th, 2007

Let me first start by saying that I can’t seem to keep up with my own life. This past year has gone from confusing, to non-eventful, to surprising, joyous, overwhelming, and down right unbelievable in a matter of months, or rather, weeks. I don’t know if I’m coming or going, alive or dead, happy, or sad. I guess I can correct that, because I’ve been overwhelmed with such an array of emotions this year, I can’t help but know I’m definitely alive.

As most of you know, we went from being told I can’t have kids, to getting pregnant, to thinking my life was finally going in the direction I wanted. A direction I was ready to head into. I had a wonderful husband, both of us had good jobs, a nice house, a wonderful family, and a baby on the way. But, in the blink of an eye, or rather, a routine ultrasound, it all came crashing down on us, in a picture we couldn’t even make out.

On December 27, 2006, we went in for an ultrasound, hoping to find out the sex of the baby, but instead, we found out our baby didn’t have a heartbeat. I was 5 days shy of being in my fifth month of pregnancy, and as most of you know, a pregnancy I wasn’t even aware of until I was a bit over three months into. We were told our baby had died.

I just kept screaming “No, no, no” over and over again, hoping to God they were wrong, wondering why we had been told 5 minutes earlier by another technician that the baby was sucking his thumb, and now he wasn’t even alive. I couldn’t even comprehend “I’m sorry, your baby has no heartbeat”. How do you comprehend a statement such as that? Josh just stood there with a blank stare on his face that I will never in my life forget. My next thought was, “How did this happen? What did I do wrong? Why wasn’t I sick? Why didn’t I know? How am I supposed to tell everyone?”
I never in a million years thought that my baby would die in utero. I was so amazed and excited when I found out I was pregnant. Now, my baby was gone. In a matter of minutes, I was being told my baby was gone. I never imagined I would become so attached to something (or someone) so quickly. Now, I had to say goodbye to someone I had never even met, someone I never got to even say hello to, someone who was on my mind every second of the day. Every morning that I woke up, I thought of him, every time I ate, I thought of him, every night I went to bed, I thought of him. Am I sleeping the right way, am I eating the right things, am I doing something that is going to hurt him? All of that, and now he’s gone. For weeks I felt that baby move inside of me, and at Christmas I had noticed I didn’t feel him much, and now, I will never feel him again.

I was admitted into Long Beach Memorial Hospital on December 27 at 10p.m., and after 13 hours of induced labor, I gave birth to our son on Thursday, December 28 at 2:17p.m. As far as we were (and still are) concerned, he was perfect; two arms, two legs, 10 fingers and 10 toes. A little nose, a little mouth, and two little eyes. He was 8 inches long and weighed 3.8 oz. Small, but a perfect little gift nonetheless. Josh and I got to say hello and goodbye to our baby. He was given the utmost respect and was dressed, and wrapped in a beautiful crocheted blanket.  Although we didn’t hold him, we touched him, and we looked at him, and we told him how much he was loved and how much he will always be loved. Most importantly, I quietly thanked him for coming into my life. The hospital and staff were very respectful of our situation, and I will never forget my nurses, Beth and Jamie, ever, as long as I live. Their compassion and love was wonderful and I can’t thank them enough for taking care of me and my baby. He was blessed by the hospital priest, and we have his footprints, and handprints for our keepsake box here at home.
Our family was with us around the clock, and all in all, it was a very peaceful and humbling labor and birthing process. We are content with the fact that he wasn’t meant to live life here on earth, but he was our baby, and now, he’s my little angel that will watch over us forever.
It’s amazing how your faith in God comes to play when you have a tragic experience such as this; and I have learned throughout this experience to trust Him and allow Him to take control of things that I can’t. We don’t know why our baby died, and we may never know, as we’ve been told that although we allowed an amniocentisis and as well as an autopsy, there is a chance the doctors may not find a cause of death. We’re okay with that. We’re okay with the fact that God decided to take our baby. I believe in my heart that God made a what could have been a difficult decision easy for us, by deciding to take our baby now.

I went 3 months not knowing I was pregnant, being very sick over the summer and having many tests done and I was on several types of medication. While that may or may not have had a effect, I’m still not sure, but I’ve learned that I cannot and will not blame myself for the death of my baby.

Throughout this whole tragedy, we do see a light at the end of the tunnel. We realize that we CAN get pregnant, and we WILL get pregnant again. This baby was a blessing that we were able to enjoy for the few short months that he was with us. I learned to love my body, and love the things that were happening to it. I can’t wait to experience the joy of pregnancy again. I have no doubt in my mind that Josh and I will have a baby, and we can’t wait to try again.

I’ve decided to keep up the ultrasound pictures and the previous blogs in memory of our baby. We’re not going to forget the joy that he brought to our lives, and I don’t feel it’d be appropriate to pull down all of the things I’ve shared with my family and friends. My pregnancy was real, my baby was alive, and I want to remember the awesome impact this little one had on my life.

I would like to thank everyone that has been there for Josh and I throughout this whole experience. We thank you for your cards, your flowers, your kind words and gestures. We never realized how many wonderful people we had in our lives and are overwhelmed with the outpouring of love we’ve received from everyone. We thank you for being there, and for listening, and for allowing us to cry and express our pain. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for being there for us.

We look forward to the new year, we look forward to a new beginning, and hope you all have a wonderful new year as well.
If anything, I’ve learned one thing, and a quote that I found today sums up my whole experience:

“The distance between joy and sorrow, is a heartbeat.” - Unknown

Entry Filed under: Kate's Blog, Pregnancy